Today was the 19th day of my freedom from alcohol. Till a few days ago I used to say “dry” but now I prefer the word “free”. Being sober is being free.
I stopped drinking 19 days ago. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some medication, to help me get over my anxiety, during my withdrawal stage. It helped. The medication managed to get over the first few days of acute withdrawal.
The biggest problem, during those first few days, was that I couldn’t take a break from my normal routine. I had to function normally at work. I own my own company. It’s a small startup, so I don’t get to take too many holidays. I have taken advantage of being the boss, and slacked off quite a bit during the past few days, to take out some quiet time for myself.
I joined a gym. Its been about a week now. I haven’t missed a day. I usually go in the mornings. The mornings feel so peaceful. I have been pushing myself. trying to channelize my negativity into my workouts, pushing myself harder and harder.
Exercise has helped a lot. It takes away my demons. It drains me. Empties me out. For a few hours after I come from the gym, the endorphins in my system, keep me in a good mood.
I stopped writing in this blog for a while. I kept giving up alcohol and kept relapsing. This time will be different. This time is the last time.
I will try to be regular on this blog. Put down a few thoughts everyday. All part of my therapy.
As my first day of sobriety drags on, I am feeling very agitated and restless. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. There is depression too. Are all these withdrawal symptoms, or did I always feel this way, but never realised it because I was too drunk or stoned? I think it is withdrawals.
Even though I have decided to go sober, I know that I won’t be able to resist a drink or a joint if I got an opportunity. If I go near a wine shop now, I won’t be able to resist going in and buying a bottle. I’ll have to avoid going near wine shops and resist the temptation. There is too much at stake here. This is my last chance.
My head feels all fuzzy, like a hangover. But it can’t be a hangover since I’ve been sober since yesterday. The irritability is there, just below the surface, threatening to erupt and shatter my fragile state of mind.
I keep thinking of booze and weed. I try not to think but somehow my mind keeps slipping. Thinking about booze and weed is dangerous for me. I can so easily slip back into my addiction. I need to understand my cravings and avoid succumbing to the temptations.
I have not yet hit rock bottom. I still have my family and my kids. They still love me and need me. My career is ruined but with enough time and hard work, I can get some of it back. It will be hard. Harder than the first time. This time around I am carrying the addict tag. People won’t trust me.
I keep worrying about the future. How will I earn money, how will I provide for my family, what does the future hold in store for me. Too many questions. No answers. I am scared. Some booze or weed will help, but I can no longer afford to seek solace in intoxicants. I have to deal with my demons alone.