My head feels all fuzzy, like a hangover. But it can’t be a hangover since I’ve been sober since yesterday. The irritability is there, just below the surface, threatening to erupt and shatter my fragile state of mind.
I keep thinking of booze and weed. I try not to think but somehow my mind keeps slipping. Thinking about booze and weed is dangerous for me. I can so easily slip back into my addiction. I need to understand my cravings and avoid succumbing to the temptations.
I have not yet hit rock bottom. I still have my family and my kids. They still love me and need me. My career is ruined but with enough time and hard work, I can get some of it back. It will be hard. Harder than the first time. This time around I am carrying the addict tag. People won’t trust me.
I keep worrying about the future. How will I earn money, how will I provide for my family, what does the future hold in store for me. Too many questions. No answers. I am scared. Some booze or weed will help, but I can no longer afford to seek solace in intoxicants. I have to deal with my demons alone.
I feel angry when I am craving for alcohol or for weed. Or when I am having a hangover. Why do I get angry? I think it is the people around me who are making me angry. But its actually my craving which is making me angry.
My body needs booze or weed to relax and when it doesn’t get it, I get angry. I am irritable. Very irritable. I lose my cool over small things.
It’s worse when I mix Alcohol and Weed. The next morning is bad. Depending on how much I drink, I probably end up sleeping for the next day. In the evening I will start craving. I will get angry. I need my high. I need oblivion. I need good sleep. I need to relax.
After I get my high I am okay again. When I smoke weed alone I am relaxed. But when I mix weed and booze I am very jolly. Unless something pisses me off. And then I go ballistic. I blow up.
If it’s just my craving which makes me angry, why do I get angry after booze and weed together? There is something more to this.
Last night I got drunk again. Couldn’t stop myself. Gave in to temptation. Tonight I won’t drink and I won’t smoke weed. Or at least, I’ll try not to.
I had a big fight today morning with my mother. It was just a small matter. But I was having a hangover and I blew up. I went ballistic. Later after some time and after a joint, I cooled down. Then came regret like it always does.
This weed and alcohol addiction is killing my soul. It’s killing the people around me. I have to give it up. Just smoked my last joint as I am writing it. I want it to be my last joint and I want leave the memory of it’s high on this blog post. Immortalize the memory of my last joint.
I have decided to give up alcohol and weed. I will try to avoid the temptation. I will focus on my life, turn it back around. For me and the people around me. I need a second chance. I need to get out of this fucked up addiction.
I have lost everything in terms of my career. I can either go on like this and get more screwed up, or I can give up this addiction and get some of it back. No choice really.
I am substituting my addiction. I have started smoking weed. I am trying to give up alcohol. All adicts try this or something similar to this. We try to substitute our prefered substance with some other intoxicant.
One good thing is that weed does not make me as crazy as Alcohol does and it’s not as depressing. It does make me lazy and unsociable, but then I’ve always been a little lazy and unsociable.
Weed does make me irritable, like Alcohol does, but the intensity is less. I am not as bad tempered as I am when I have a hangover.
The problem with weed is that it is socially unacceptable. It is considered a narcotic drug. It is also very detectable. The smell is very unique and many people can identify it by the smell alone.
Anyway I am substituting full time now. I am not drinking but I am smoking. Let’s see how that goes for me.
When you smoke lots of weed, you will realize that the high you get from a joint keeps decreasing. It’s a game of diminishing returns. But the problem is you keep on smoking, fully knowing that you are getting less high on each drag.
Diminishing returns. Need more and more every day. Sign of addiction : increasing intake.
I was in a rehab recently where they said that I am an addict. An alcoholic. They also told us that all adicts try to substitute their substance of choice with other intoxicants. I guess I am doing that. I am substituting.
I have started smoking weed for the past week or so. I bought some weed last weekend. Initially I was interested in weed because I thought it was cheap. But it isn’t. I remember buying weed 7 or 8 years ago. Prices have increased 600% in these years.
Maybe I am substituting and eventually I will just be trading one addiction for another. I know it’s true. I am an addict. There’s no doubt about that.
Will I be gaining anything by trading alcoholism for a weed addiction? I don’t think so. Soon I will be mixing my booze with weed.
I will need to give up alcohol and weed. Both of them. Unfortunately being in this place and weed being so easily available, I think it will be more difficult to get off weed. If it was not available and I did not have any place to buy it, I would not have a choice. But now since I know where I can go and buy it, giving up will be harder.
I like smoking weed. Much better than drinking alcohol. Drinking has so many side effects. Like hangovers and bad moods. At least weed does not have hangovers.
As for the anger and the irritability, I think that is part of my addiction. I need to understand my anger and control it. Until I take care of the anger, I will not be able to control my addiction.