Tag Archives: Suicide

Why bother

I am trying to quit drinking. I’ve been trying to do that for a while now, as this blog will testify. But for what? When I ask myself a simple question – what do I enjoy? I don’t have an answer.

I feel like there’s nothing to live for any longer. There is nothing that I can think of, which gives me pleasure. I don’t have any friends, and I am pretty sure that my family will be relieved, if I were to die today. My sons might miss me, but I doubt that too. I haven’t really been much of a father to them.

I feel like I am just going through the motions. I wake up every day and just do the bare minimum that needs to be done. There is no part of the day that I enjoy. Nothing that I look forward to.

I have tried killing myself. In fact I have tried it several times. The last time I was almost successful. Ironically I tried killing myself by an overdose of a medicine that a doctor prescribed to help me cope with my alcoholism.

So the big question is, what am I doing this for? Even if I do manage to give up drinking, will anything change? Will I discover something that I enjoy? Something that gives me pleasure?

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Suicide Attempts

Most addicts try to commit suicide at some point of time or another. The biggest reason is that addicts hate themselves and what they have become. They know their weakness, even if they do nor admit it, and this knowledge and guilt eats into them. Sooner or later they decide to take the final step.

I have tried to kill myself several times. It must have been at least 4-5 times till now. A couple of these attempt were almost succesful and I was saved because of quick intervention and some blind luck. Someday I will be succesful and I’ll finally do the job.

How will it feel to die? Will it be a experience to rejoice or to despair? Will I even feel the transition from life into darkness? And what next? What lies beyond the horizon of death?

Too many questions. I am curious.