It’s getting a little easier to remain sober. The first couple of days were hard. Today was better. I went out today morning to meet a few people, for new business. Although the thought of alcohol remains with me, it was easier to control the urges today.
The craving for alcohol is lesser in intensity but more deceptive and manipulative. My mind kept trying to trick me into buying a bottle. It kept offering excuses – What difference would it make to buy a bottle and get drunk for one more night. I have been a drunk for so many years. One more night won’t make any difference – my mind kept telling me.
I kept fighting my craving and it got easier. I avoided wineshops. I even avoided looking at the signboards of wineshops while I was driving. I know that if I go into a wineshop I will not be able to control myself. Its better to avoid temptation rather than to test the limits of my willpower.
There was one moment of weakness where I drove past a place where I knew a drug peddler sold Marijuana. I stoped and went looking for her. It’s an old lady. She wasn’t there. I would have bought weed if I was able to find her. It’s a good thing she wasn’t around.
I like smoking weed and in ways it’s safer than alcohol. It calms me. But once I start smoking weed I know I will start drinking too and very soon I will be mixing the two. When I mix marijuana and alcohol I go beserk. My whole personality changes. Very aggressive, very unstable. It’s better that I avoid them both.
Maybe someday I will start smoking weed again. One day when I am more in control. But not now. Its too precarious a situation. If I slip now and start drinking again, all that I’ve suffered for the past few days will be in vain. I must resist the temptation.
Today was my first day of sobriety. It was the first day of my new life without Alcohol or Marijuana. It was difficult. I felt edgy and irritated. I got angry. I felt depressed. I couldn’t handle situations well. But I survived the day without alcohol and marijuana, and I am feeling rather good about myself.
They say that the first few days of abstinence are the most difficult. I am not sure that I will be able to survive too many days like today, but I have to try. I have to come out of this addiction. It is destroying me.
I wonder how many days will it take for my cravings for alcohol and marijuana to subside. They say that addiction is a life long disease. If that’s the case this curse will be with me for till the day I die. That’s a scary thought.
Another scary thought. Will I be able to enjoy life without my alcohol and weed? Will I be able to enjoy going for a long drive, listening to music or attending a party without getting high? Till yesterday I needed to get high to enjoy life and its simple pleasures. What will life be like without alcohol or weed?
As my first day of sobriety drags on, I am feeling very agitated and restless. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. There is depression too. Are all these withdrawal symptoms, or did I always feel this way, but never realised it because I was too drunk or stoned? I think it is withdrawals.
Even though I have decided to go sober, I know that I won’t be able to resist a drink or a joint if I got an opportunity. If I go near a wine shop now, I won’t be able to resist going in and buying a bottle. I’ll have to avoid going near wine shops and resist the temptation. There is too much at stake here. This is my last chance.
I have not smoked weed or drunk alcohol for a few hours now. I am starting to get edgy. I get irritated by noises and by small things. In my mind I know that this is just my craving. But I can’t seem to help it. Can’t seem to supress the craving.
I have decided to give up alcohol and marijuana. Didn’t go out and buy weed today, although I had the money to do so. I had the chance to buy alcohol, but I controlled myself. I am trying to give up. Go straight and sober.
I wish there was a quicker and easier way to defeat my addiction. I wish there were no side effects to alcohol or weed, and that I could continue to drink and smoke. But I know I can’t. It takes too much from me. It is destroying me slowly but surely.
I am trying to control my irritation and my craving. But it is hard. Yeilding to temptation is so much easier. Writing in this blog helps to some extent. I know this is a safe medium to let out my thoughts. Noone knows who I am. My identity is safe. At the same time, I know that somewhere someone is reading my thoughts and understands my pain. It feels good to know that. Writing this journal of my private thoughts makes it easier to face the demons of addiction.
I wish I could pray to some divine power for help. But it has been so long since I have prayed. I am worried that my prayers will be rejected. I tell people that I don’t believe in God, but I do. I do believe in God. But I am skeptical. I am so damaged that I do not love anyone. How can God love me?