I have not smoked weed or drunk alcohol for a few hours now. I am starting to get edgy. I get irritated by noises and by small things. In my mind I know that this is just my craving. But I can’t seem to help it. Can’t seem to supress the craving.
I have decided to give up alcohol and marijuana. Didn’t go out and buy weed today, although I had the money to do so. I had the chance to buy alcohol, but I controlled myself. I am trying to give up. Go straight and sober.
I wish there was a quicker and easier way to defeat my addiction. I wish there were no side effects to alcohol or weed, and that I could continue to drink and smoke. But I know I can’t. It takes too much from me. It is destroying me slowly but surely.
I am trying to control my irritation and my craving. But it is hard. Yeilding to temptation is so much easier. Writing in this blog helps to some extent. I know this is a safe medium to let out my thoughts. Noone knows who I am. My identity is safe. At the same time, I know that somewhere someone is reading my thoughts and understands my pain. It feels good to know that. Writing this journal of my private thoughts makes it easier to face the demons of addiction.
I wish I could pray to some divine power for help. But it has been so long since I have prayed. I am worried that my prayers will be rejected. I tell people that I don’t believe in God, but I do. I do believe in God. But I am skeptical. I am so damaged that I do not love anyone. How can God love me?