Today was day 8. It has been a very difficult week. but I have made it so far. The meds have helped. My family has also been quite supportive. There have been many times in the last few days that I’ve almost slipped back.
The 6th day was the worst. Went to meet a client in a nightclub! He owns the nightclub. We went to meet him because we were pitching for his business. I own a digital marketing agency. I was sitting there taking him through the presentation, talking about the benefits of digital marketing and how we would make his business more profitable and all I could think of was the bottles behind the bar!
Once the meeting was over, he showed me his bar, which has a unique design (it’s made of beer bottles – I mean the whole bar is made of empty beer bottles) and invited me for a drink. I don’t know how I did it but I politely refused, telling him that I was getting late for another meeting. A very close call.
The craving is still there, as strong as ever. Probably not as strong as the 2nd or 3rd day but it is still there lingering like a malignant growth at the back of my mind. It is not possible to ignore it. I just have to keep telling myself that this is natural. I can fight it. I will fight it this time.
I’ve been avoiding my drinking buddies. Making excuses, not taking their phone calls. I have know a few of them for several years now. A few I’ve known since my childhood. I know that if I go out with them, all these 8 days of hard work will just go poof. I won’t be able to resist the temptation. I am not that strong. Maybe I will lose some friends but if they are really my friends – they will understand.
Today was day 5 of my journey to sobriety. It was difficult but I made it through. The pills are helping. They make me sleepy and slow to respond. But they also take the edge away. The craving is still there. It’s always there. As soon as I think of alcohol, my mind tries to make up excuses. My mind keeps telling me that I am okay. I have made it through the past few days and one drink will not matter. But i know where that road leads. I have been down that road too many times. Once I start I won’t stop, till something bad happens. After that it will be the same old vicious circle once again.
I have been very busy at work. Running a company is many times more difficult than working as an employee. Too many things to worry about. Salaries, deadlines, clients etc etc… Someone or the other is always there, asking for advice, asking for help, or just asking. It’s very stressful. The thought of the bottle of whisky is so tempting. My busy schedule keeps me distracted, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind somewhere.
When I go out for meetings and pass a wine shop, I always look. It would be so easy to just stop the car and…
In the evenings I watch movies, play games on my phone, drink lots of juice, read books. Anything to keep myself distracted. It’s working. Every day is another victory, every day is one step closer.
Being dry (I won’t use the word sober yet) has given me a new perspective on the people around me and my surroundings – some of it is good and some of it is bad. I am not sure how much of all this is influenced by my craving for alcohol. But I am not going to sit here and analyse it too much. I am dry and I have been dry for 5 days now. That’s all that matters.
I haven’t written in here for a long time. I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism – not too successfully. It all goes round and round. A viscous circle. I give up for 2-3 days and start again.
I have started visiting a Doctor. Finally took that step. Today was day 3 of my latest attempt to give up drinking. I was very agitated and couldn’t work. Wasn’t feeling too well, so took half the day off and came home and slept. It’s probably the sleep meds that my doc has prescribed for me. Mskes me very droesy. But overall yoday was better than yesterday.
I watched a movie on my wife’s laptop. Some bank robbery action movie – not sure I even remember the name, but I think it was Mauraders. Pretty good. Smh action movie with an interesting story. my type of movie. Liked it. Kept me distracted.
The next few days will be challenges. I think I have taken it too far. I feel quite sick. I just hope it’s not too late. I am scared to go do tests, afraid that it is too late, that I’ve done irreparable damage to my body.
If you are reading this please leave your thoughts and comments. My battle against alcoholism has been a long one, one with a lot of defeats and setbacks. But I am trying the best within my abilities to fight it.
Feeling sleepy now. Will try to keep posting in the next few days. Good night.
I’ve been ping ponging between a few days of sobriety followed by binge drinking. I guess I am just an alcoholic in denial. I can’t keep from thinking about alcohol. It’s an addiction, and every time I think of alcohol I think of how good it would feel to have a drink. I tell myself that I shouldn’t but the need remains. It eats me up from inside.
It’s getting a little easier to remain sober. The first couple of days were hard. Today was better. I went out today morning to meet a few people, for new business. Although the thought of alcohol remains with me, it was easier to control the urges today.
The craving for alcohol is lesser in intensity but more deceptive and manipulative. My mind kept trying to trick me into buying a bottle. It kept offering excuses – What difference would it make to buy a bottle and get drunk for one more night. I have been a drunk for so many years. One more night won’t make any difference – my mind kept telling me.
I kept fighting my craving and it got easier. I avoided wineshops. I even avoided looking at the signboards of wineshops while I was driving. I know that if I go into a wineshop I will not be able to control myself. Its better to avoid temptation rather than to test the limits of my willpower.
There was one moment of weakness where I drove past a place where I knew a drug peddler sold Marijuana. I stoped and went looking for her. It’s an old lady. She wasn’t there. I would have bought weed if I was able to find her. It’s a good thing she wasn’t around.
I like smoking weed and in ways it’s safer than alcohol. It calms me. But once I start smoking weed I know I will start drinking too and very soon I will be mixing the two. When I mix marijuana and alcohol I go beserk. My whole personality changes. Very aggressive, very unstable. It’s better that I avoid them both.
Maybe someday I will start smoking weed again. One day when I am more in control. But not now. Its too precarious a situation. If I slip now and start drinking again, all that I’ve suffered for the past few days will be in vain. I must resist the temptation.
I am an alcoholic. Although a large part of me denies this fact, it is true. There is no use denying this fact. I am an alcoholic and I’ll always be one.
Nowadays I avoid going out as much as possible. The urge to visit a winestore and buying alcohol is too great. I won’t be able to resist it. My mind will give justifications and arguments on how being drunk one more night is okay. If I go to the winestore and buy a bottle, I know I am going to finish the bottle, skip dinner and probably blackout. If I don’t blackout I will sleep like a log and get up late next morning with a hangover. As soon as I wake up, one of the first thoughts in my mind will be how this was the last time I would ever drink.
So I avoid going out as much as possible. But this is really hard. Can’t get ahead in life if I hang around at home all day. I have to find a way to go out and avoid the temptation. Maybe I’ll just avoid places where there are wineshops.