Tag Archives: alcohol

Day 8 – First week is over

Today was day 8. It has been a very difficult week. but I have made it so far. The meds have helped. My family has also been quite supportive. There have been many times in the last few days that I’ve almost slipped back.

The 6th day was the worst. Went to meet a client in a nightclub! He owns the nightclub. We went to meet him because we were pitching for his business. I own a digital marketing agency. I was sitting there taking him through the presentation, talking about the benefits of digital marketing and how we would make his business more profitable and all I could think of was the bottles behind the bar!

Once the meeting was over, he showed me his bar, which has a unique design (it’s made of beer bottles – I mean the whole bar is made of empty beer bottles) and invited me for a drink. I don’t know how I did it but I politely refused, telling him that I was getting late for another meeting. A very close call.

The craving is still there, as strong as ever. Probably not as strong as the 2nd or 3rd day but it is still there lingering like a malignant growth at the back of my mind. It is not possible to ignore it. I just have to keep telling myself that this is natural. I can fight it. I will fight it this time.

I’ve been avoiding my drinking buddies. Making excuses, not taking their phone calls. I have know a few of them for several years now. A few I’ve known since my childhood. I know that if I go out with them, all these 8 days of hard work will just go poof. I won’t be able to resist the temptation. I am not that strong. Maybe I will lose some friends but if they are really my friends – they will understand.


Day 5 – so far so good

Today was day 5 of my journey to sobriety. It was difficult but I made it through. The pills are helping. They make me sleepy and slow to respond. But they also take the edge away. The craving is still there. It’s always there. As soon as I think of alcohol, my mind tries to make up excuses. My mind keeps telling me that I am okay. I have made it through the past few days and one drink will not matter. But i know where that road leads. I have been down that road too many times. Once I start I won’t stop, till something bad happens. After that it will be the same old vicious circle once again.

I have been very busy at work. Running a company is many times more difficult than working as an employee. Too many things to worry about. Salaries, deadlines, clients etc etc… Someone or the other is always there, asking for advice, asking for help, or just asking. It’s very stressful. The thought of the bottle of whisky is so tempting. My busy schedule keeps me distracted, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind somewhere.

When I go out for meetings and pass a wine shop, I always look. It would be so easy to just stop the car and…

In the evenings I watch movies, play games on my phone, drink lots of juice, read books. Anything to keep myself distracted. It’s working. Every day is another victory, every day is one step closer.

Being dry (I won’t use the word sober yet) has given me a new perspective on the people around me and my surroundings – some of it is good and some of it is bad. I am not sure how much of all this is influenced by my craving for alcohol. But I am not going to sit here and analyse it too much. I am dry and I have been dry for 5 days now. That’s all that matters.


Alcohol

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Found this on 9gag. It’s so true.


The positives and negatives of my alcoholism

Positive

  • Helped me sleep/pass-out at night – this was almost every night
  • Helped me temporarily forget how screwed up my life is (screwed up because of my alcoholism)
  • Made me temporarily “happy” while I was drunk

Negative

  • Encouraged me to attempt suicide 3 times – I almost succeeded the last time (200 sleeping pills and 750ml of whisky – landed up in ICU where they pumped out my stomach)
  • Turned me into a surly, abusive person who terrorized his family – they walk on eggshells around me, afraid of my mood swings
  • Made my elder son afraid of me and swear that he will never touch alcohol in his life
  • Fueled my resentment towards my mother (long story which involved the divorce/death of my father and death of my elder brother) into an irrational hatred and led to vicious fights, which has led to us not speaking for several months now, even though we live in different flats of the same building
  • Made me fall asleep and get into a near fatal car accident – luckily it was with a road divider and no one were harmed (apart from me)
  • Ruined my career, losing my cushy high-paying job managing a team of over 40 people
  • Emptied out my savings
  • Encouraged me to lose all my friends, since I prefered drinking alone and had no time for anyone else
  • Turned me into a self-centered, manipulative prick
  • Ruined my sex life
  • Helped me put on a lot of weight, to the point of being obese
  • Ruined my body’s ability to absorb calcium and Vitamin D which led to several bone fractures
  • and make many extreemly foolish choices…

I do not make any excuses. I have done this to myself and to the people who have loved me. I do not like the person that I have become. I hate myself. I am ashamed of myself. I have been trying to give up alcohol for several months now, but I keep slipping back. This time I have been sober for 5 days. In several years, this is the longest that I have ever been sober. I hope, listing out the positives and negatives of my alcoholism will help me remain sober.


Day 2 – already feeling restless and edgy

It’s day 2 of my sobriety, and I am already feeling restless and edgy for a drink. I keep making excuses to myself, to persuade myself to go out and get a drink. Fortunately there is no alcohol around me, or I don’t think I could have stopped myself. The only way I can get a drink is if I go to a wine store and get one. I am trying to stop myself, from going out. 

It’s late afternoon. If i can get through the next few hours, I will be okay. I don’t want to go out and drink. I need to stop drinking. It’s going to be hard.

I am not having physical withdrawals. I just keep getting irritated by small things. I know it is just the craving for alcohol which is making me irritated. But knowing doesn’t stop it. Knowing that this irritation is just craving for alcohol doesn’t calm my mind. The mind is cunning. It make me feel irritated and edgy, so that I will go out and get a drink. I know getting a drink will calm me down. I have to resist the temptation.

I have heard some people say that the first few days are the worst. I have to hang on and be strong. I am watching a lot of movies. I like watching movies and they distract me. While I am watching a movie, I am not thinking of drinking so much. But watching movies has a downside. Whenever I see someone in the movie drinking, I want a drink too. The craving kicks in.

Most of the time, I used to drink in the evenings. So, my urges become very strong in the evenings. The next few hours will be a challenge. I am smoking a lot of cigarettes too. But I can’t help it. Smoking calms me down somewhat. If I did not have cigarettes, I would be walking on the walls, right about now. Wouldn’t it be funny if I manage to quit drinking and got lung cancer? 


Not powerless over alcohol

I’ve been sober for 5 days now and it has been quite an experience. A few months ago I was in a rehab where they told us that we alcoholics were powerless over alcohol and that it was impossible for us to give up our addiction without professional help. I guess I have proved them wrong. I am not powerless.

I do not agree with the 12 step AA program, because the first step states that as alcoholics we need to admit that we are powerless over alcohol. It says that we have to surrender ourselves to a higher power and the higher power will save us.

I think that every one of us has what it takes to give up alcohol. We just need to believe in ourselves and our ability to overcome our addiction. As soon as we admit that we are powerless we betray ourselves. We destroy our ability to resist the temptation.

I have overcome alcohol for a few days now and I am determined not to sink back into it’s clutches ever again. I will drink socially. A drink or  two at the maximum. Never again will I drink like I uses to – one bottle every night.


Sobriety gets easier

It’s getting a little easier to remain sober. The first couple of days were hard. Today was better. I went out today morning to meet a few people, for new business. Although the thought of alcohol remains with me, it was easier to control the urges today.

The craving for alcohol is lesser in intensity but more deceptive and manipulative. My mind kept trying to trick me into buying a bottle. It kept offering excuses – What difference would it make to buy a bottle and get drunk for one more night. I have been a drunk for so many years. One more night won’t make any difference – my mind kept telling me.

I kept fighting my craving and it got easier. I avoided wineshops. I even avoided looking at the signboards of wineshops while I was driving. I know that if I go into a wineshop I will not be able to control myself.  Its better to avoid temptation rather than to test the limits of my willpower.

There was one moment of weakness where I drove past a place where I knew a drug peddler sold Marijuana. I stoped and went looking for her. It’s an old lady. She wasn’t there. I would have bought weed if I was able to find her. It’s a good thing she wasn’t around.

I like smoking weed and in ways it’s safer than alcohol. It calms me. But once I start smoking weed I know I will start drinking too and very soon I will be mixing the two. When I mix marijuana and alcohol I go beserk. My whole personality changes. Very aggressive, very unstable. It’s better that I avoid them both.

Maybe someday I will start smoking weed again. One day when I am more in control. But not now. Its too precarious a situation. If I slip now and start drinking again, all that I’ve suffered for the past few days will be in vain. I must resist the temptation.