It is the evening of day 5, and I feel much better.
The morning was bad. I did not sleep well last night. I lay awake till 2am, thinking about how badly I had screwed up my life. I know these kind of thoughts are counter productive and they lead to relapse, but I could not help it.
When I did fall asleep, I saw a really weird dream. I do not remember what the dream was but I remember that it was really weird.
In the morning I had to wake up early to get my son ready for school. It almost felt like I had a hangover but it was different. There was no nausea. Most important of all – there was no guilt.
The cravings were strong so I spent the morning playing a video game. I discovered that the video game was a good distraction. It kept me from thinking about alcohol.
In the evening I had to go pick up my wife from the train station. I was worried about this. There are several wine shops on the way and I know every one of them 😉
I had to fight the temptation to stop the car and buy a bottle. My sneaky manipulative mind kept telling me that I had been sober for 5 days already and one drink would not matter. I put on some loud rock music and sang along to Bruce Springsteen and the Beatles. It felt good. I had not done that for a long time.
I survived day 5 without a drink. In the evening when I met my wife she told me that I seem different in a good way. I feel better too. More relaxed.
There is one thing about being sober that I did not anticipate. I have a lot of time on my hands and I do not know what to do with it. I know I should be getting back to programing (I am a web designer), but I can not seem to concentrate. Maybe I will be able to get back to programming in a few more days. Till then I will play video games and watch movies online 😉
The comments on this blog have helped in a big way. It means a lot to me, that there are people out there who care. The support I have received has helped me remain sober. So please leave your comments.
Last night I got drunk again. Couldn’t stop myself. Gave in to temptation. Tonight I won’t drink and I won’t smoke weed. Or at least, I’ll try not to.
I had a big fight today morning with my mother. It was just a small matter. But I was having a hangover and I blew up. I went ballistic. Later after some time and after a joint, I cooled down. Then came regret like it always does.
This weed and alcohol addiction is killing my soul. It’s killing the people around me. I have to give it up. Just smoked my last joint as I am writing it. I want it to be my last joint and I want leave the memory of it’s high on this blog post. Immortalize the memory of my last joint.
I have decided to give up alcohol and weed. I will try to avoid the temptation. I will focus on my life, turn it back around. For me and the people around me. I need a second chance. I need to get out of this fucked up addiction.
I have lost everything in terms of my career. I can either go on like this and get more screwed up, or I can give up this addiction and get some of it back. No choice really.
Addiction really takes away everything. I have lost everything. Just a year ago I had everything that anyone would want. But I didn’t notice. I was busy getting high or drunk. Mostly getting drunk.
I lost my job and my confidence. Now it’s survival. I don’t have enough money to buy a couple of packs of cigarettes. In a day or so I will have to borrow money from my wife to buy cigarettes. I don’t know what I will do about my weed and my booze. But I guess I will borrow money for those too.
I have been trying to get a freelancing job. But it’s not easy. I applied for more than a dozen freelancing jobs on a few websites. I got a small job but no luck with others. For the one job that I did land, I have worked 3.5 hours, for a total sum of $6.90.
Can’t give up. Need money desperately. I applying for new freelance jobs. It will be great if I could get a job that needs 20-30 hours per week with a large per hour rate. That would be ideal.
When you smoke lots of weed, you will realize that the high you get from a joint keeps decreasing. It’s a game of diminishing returns. But the problem is you keep on smoking, fully knowing that you are getting less high on each drag.
Diminishing returns. Need more and more every day. Sign of addiction : increasing intake.
I was in a rehab recently where they said that I am an addict. An alcoholic. They also told us that all adicts try to substitute their substance of choice with other intoxicants. I guess I am doing that. I am substituting.
I have started smoking weed for the past week or so. I bought some weed last weekend. Initially I was interested in weed because I thought it was cheap. But it isn’t. I remember buying weed 7 or 8 years ago. Prices have increased 600% in these years.
Maybe I am substituting and eventually I will just be trading one addiction for another. I know it’s true. I am an addict. There’s no doubt about that.
Will I be gaining anything by trading alcoholism for a weed addiction? I don’t think so. Soon I will be mixing my booze with weed.
I will need to give up alcohol and weed. Both of them. Unfortunately being in this place and weed being so easily available, I think it will be more difficult to get off weed. If it was not available and I did not have any place to buy it, I would not have a choice. But now since I know where I can go and buy it, giving up will be harder.
I like smoking weed. Much better than drinking alcohol. Drinking has so many side effects. Like hangovers and bad moods. At least weed does not have hangovers.
As for the anger and the irritability, I think that is part of my addiction. I need to understand my anger and control it. Until I take care of the anger, I will not be able to control my addiction.