Day 5 – so far so good

Today was day 5 of my journey to sobriety. It was difficult but I made it through. The pills are helping. They make me sleepy and slow to respond. But they also take the edge away. The craving is still there. It’s always there. As soon as I think of alcohol, my mind tries to make up excuses. My mind keeps telling me that I am okay. I have made it through the past few days and one drink will not matter. But i know where that road leads. I have been down that road too many times. Once I start I won’t stop, till something bad happens. After that it will be the same old vicious circle once again.

I have been very busy at work. Running a company is many times more difficult than working as an employee. Too many things to worry about. Salaries, deadlines, clients etc etc… Someone or the other is always there, asking for advice, asking for help, or just asking. It’s very stressful. The thought of the bottle of whisky is so tempting. My busy schedule keeps me distracted, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind somewhere.

When I go out for meetings and pass a wine shop, I always look. It would be so easy to just stop the car and…

In the evenings I watch movies, play games on my phone, drink lots of juice, read books. Anything to keep myself distracted. It’s working. Every day is another victory, every day is one step closer.

Being dry (I won’t use the word sober yet) has given me a new perspective on the people around me and my surroundings – some of it is good and some of it is bad. I am not sure how much of all this is influenced by my craving for alcohol. But I am not going to sit here and analyse it too much. I am dry and I have been dry for 5 days now. That’s all that matters.

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Day 3 – yet again

I haven’t written in here for a long time. I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism – not too successfully. It all goes round and round. A viscous circle. I give up for 2-3 days and start again.

I have started visiting a Doctor. Finally took that step. ​Today was day 3 of my latest attempt to give up drinking. I was very agitated and couldn’t work. Wasn’t feeling too well, so took half the day off and came home and slept. It’s probably the sleep meds that my doc has prescribed for me. Mskes me very droesy. But overall yoday was better than yesterday. 

I watched a movie on my wife’s laptop. Some bank robbery action movie – not sure I even remember the name, but I think it was Mauraders. Pretty good. Smh action movie with an interesting story. my type of movie. Liked it. Kept me distracted.

The next few days will be challenges. I think I have taken it too far. I feel quite sick. I just hope it’s not too late. I am scared to go do tests, afraid that it is too late, that I’ve done irreparable damage to my body. 

If you are reading this please leave your thoughts and comments. My battle against alcoholism has been a long one,  one with a lot of defeats and setbacks. But I am trying the best within my abilities to fight it. 

Feeling sleepy now. Will try to keep posting in the next few days. Good night.


Day 3: Down this road once again

It’s Day 3 once more without Alcohol. I’ve been down this road so many times. This time I hope is my last day 3. I do not have too many chances left. My health is failing. I am having bad muscle cramps. I researched on the internet and found out that muscle cramps are caused by a deficiency of Vitamin B1, B6, B12 and Calcium. I’ve been have vitamin and calcium suplements. It’s helping. The muscle cramps are getting better.

I am feeling irritated, anxious and restless. I keep thinking of booze and drinking. The holiday season doesn’t make it easier. It’s hard to resist the temptations around me. I am trying to avoid social situations where there will be drinking.

My high school’s 25th reunion is coming up in the next couple of weeks. I do not want to attend the party because I know there’s going to be serious drinking involved. I know I wont be able to resist. What do I do? I am confused. Not going to the reunion will raise so many questions. But do I really care? I am not really close to anyone of my old schoolmates. So what does it matter?

I don’t want to go to AA. Too much religion for me. I’ve been an atheist for a long time now. I just can’t make myself believe in a higher power. My life has been all about logic and facts. It’s difficult to blindly believe and have faith in a “higher power”.

In India, there aren’t many places where an alcoholic can go to seek help. Alcoholism is frowned upon but no one offers any support. There’s a few AA groups, but that isn’t for me. The rehabs are more like prisons, very primitive, where alcoholics are treated like criminals. So I have to do this myself. I have no other choice.

I am lucky I have a home and a family to support me. I guess I am better off than a lot of people out there.


Ping pong

I’ve been ping ponging between a few days of sobriety followed by binge drinking. I guess I am just an alcoholic in denial. I can’t keep from thinking about alcohol. It’s an addiction, and every time I think of alcohol I think of how good it would feel to have a drink. I tell myself that I shouldn’t but the need remains. It eats me up from inside.


Day 2: stressed out

Today’s day 2 and I am totally stressed out. And there’s a lot to be stressed about. Our so it seems to me at the moment.

I work from home. So there’s someone always around or something’s always happening. On other days it’s not so bad but today I feel I just can’t deal with it anymore. I know it’s my alcohol withdrawals playing with my mind but that knowledge doesn’t help at all.

The power just went out and with it the Internet. It looks like there is a storm on it’s way. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse. Now I will lose the rest of the day and won’t get paid. At times like this it is difficult to keep my thoughts straight and be logical.

It’s going to be difficult to get through today without drinking.


First day over & the second is starting

It’s 1:22 am now and my first day of sobriety is well and truly over. It was difficult but I know that it is going to get worse before it gets any better. The hardest part of staying sober is the first few weeks.

I feel irritated at almost everything. I am surly and impatient. I fly into an irrational rage at the slightest provocation. And every time this happens my mind sneakily pushes me to go to a wine shop and buy myself a bottle of whisky to stop these feelings.

If I listen to my cravings and get drunk I know I will just have to start again all over again one day. It would be so easy to have a drink but it will be so difficult to stay this process all over again. I just have to hold on. Maybe this time things will be different.

I am going to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.


Got a payment – resisting the temptation

Got an unexpected payment from a client today. Not a big amount, but still enough to keep me drunk the whole week. The first thing that came into my head – let me go out and celebrate. And celebrating means getting drunk.
I am going to try to distract myself and work on a couple of pending projects. I make websites for a living – so work just involves sitting in my living room working with remote clients. Very minimal human interaction involved. That’s good in a way. I don’t have to go out and struggle with temptation.
Once my work is done I am going to read a book or watch a movie. Anything to distract myself and take my mind off booze.
One day at a time. One hour at a time.