It is evening. 5pm. Time for cravings. I am cooking some instant tomato pasta. Food helps me overcome my cravings. I guess when my stomach is full, I don’t think of alcohol as much as when I am hungry.
Do don’t let yourself be hungry. Snack on things you like. Non alcoholic things 😉
Food is good. Hunger is not.
Today is the second day since I have been dry. It is not too bad now but it is going to get worse as the evening draws closer. My urges start on the evenings. 5-6 pm is the worst. Got to keep myself busy during that time.
And I will need lots of water. Drink water.
I have always wanted to be a teacher. I taught in a computer institute once. I was quite good at it. Not sure how good I would be now.
I am thinking of setting up a computer institute. I already own a software development company. Actually it is into a bit more than software. We also make websites and manage social media for companies. A computer institute. Need to work on the plan though.
I just smoked up the last of my weed. It’s over now. I won’t be getting any more weed. It’s down to cigarettes now.
No alcohol and now no weed. The party is over. This time I will do it. I can’t give up alcohol and keep smoking weed. Weed leads me back to alcohol. Have to give both of them up for good. Cannot keep one and give up the other.
Today was the 19th day of my freedom from alcohol. Till a few days ago I used to say “dry” but now I prefer the word “free”. Being sober is being free.
I stopped drinking 19 days ago. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some medication, to help me get over my anxiety, during my withdrawal stage. It helped. The medication managed to get over the first few days of acute withdrawal.
The biggest problem, during those first few days, was that I couldn’t take a break from my normal routine. I had to function normally at work. I own my own company. It’s a small startup, so I don’t get to take too many holidays. I have taken advantage of being the boss, and slacked off quite a bit during the past few days, to take out some quiet time for myself.
I joined a gym. Its been about a week now. I haven’t missed a day. I usually go in the mornings. The mornings feel so peaceful. I have been pushing myself. trying to channelize my negativity into my workouts, pushing myself harder and harder.
Exercise has helped a lot. It takes away my demons. It drains me. Empties me out. For a few hours after I come from the gym, the endorphins in my system, keep me in a good mood.
I stopped writing in this blog for a while. I kept giving up alcohol and kept relapsing. This time will be different. This time is the last time.
I will try to be regular on this blog. Put down a few thoughts everyday. All part of my therapy.
I met someone. Someone totally unexpected. But it’s so late now. Why did I not meet her 10 years ago?
Life is funny but life’s humor is sadistic. I have been looking for someone like this for ages. And here she is when I least expected, when I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been. The craziest part is that she seems to like me too.
Maybe I am reading too much into the situation when I say she likes me. It’s more curiosity than any actual affection. And there is something about her which troubles me. She is too demanding. Maybe I need that for a change.
I have dominated most people around me all my life. I unconciously stay away from dominant people in my personal life. Maybe it’s time to change something in my life.
I haven’t drunk since day before yesterday night. I have a date on Sunday. I am planning to stay sober for her. Maybe this girl will help me change something in my life. Let us see.
Today was day 8. It has been a very difficult week. but I have made it so far. The meds have helped. My family has also been quite supportive. There have been many times in the last few days that I’ve almost slipped back.
The 6th day was the worst. Went to meet a client in a nightclub! He owns the nightclub. We went to meet him because we were pitching for his business. I own a digital marketing agency. I was sitting there taking him through the presentation, talking about the benefits of digital marketing and how we would make his business more profitable and all I could think of was the bottles behind the bar!
Once the meeting was over, he showed me his bar, which has a unique design (it’s made of beer bottles – I mean the whole bar is made of empty beer bottles) and invited me for a drink. I don’t know how I did it but I politely refused, telling him that I was getting late for another meeting. A very close call.
The craving is still there, as strong as ever. Probably not as strong as the 2nd or 3rd day but it is still there lingering like a malignant growth at the back of my mind. It is not possible to ignore it. I just have to keep telling myself that this is natural. I can fight it. I will fight it this time.
I’ve been avoiding my drinking buddies. Making excuses, not taking their phone calls. I have know a few of them for several years now. A few I’ve known since my childhood. I know that if I go out with them, all these 8 days of hard work will just go poof. I won’t be able to resist the temptation. I am not that strong. Maybe I will lose some friends but if they are really my friends – they will understand.
Today was day 5 of my journey to sobriety. It was difficult but I made it through. The pills are helping. They make me sleepy and slow to respond. But they also take the edge away. The craving is still there. It’s always there. As soon as I think of alcohol, my mind tries to make up excuses. My mind keeps telling me that I am okay. I have made it through the past few days and one drink will not matter. But i know where that road leads. I have been down that road too many times. Once I start I won’t stop, till something bad happens. After that it will be the same old vicious circle once again.
I have been very busy at work. Running a company is many times more difficult than working as an employee. Too many things to worry about. Salaries, deadlines, clients etc etc… Someone or the other is always there, asking for advice, asking for help, or just asking. It’s very stressful. The thought of the bottle of whisky is so tempting. My busy schedule keeps me distracted, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind somewhere.
When I go out for meetings and pass a wine shop, I always look. It would be so easy to just stop the car and…
In the evenings I watch movies, play games on my phone, drink lots of juice, read books. Anything to keep myself distracted. It’s working. Every day is another victory, every day is one step closer.
Being dry (I won’t use the word sober yet) has given me a new perspective on the people around me and my surroundings – some of it is good and some of it is bad. I am not sure how much of all this is influenced by my craving for alcohol. But I am not going to sit here and analyse it too much. I am dry and I have been dry for 5 days now. That’s all that matters.
I haven’t written in here for a long time. I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism – not too successfully. It all goes round and round. A viscous circle. I give up for 2-3 days and start again.
I have started visiting a Doctor. Finally took that step. Today was day 3 of my latest attempt to give up drinking. I was very agitated and couldn’t work. Wasn’t feeling too well, so took half the day off and came home and slept. It’s probably the sleep meds that my doc has prescribed for me. Mskes me very droesy. But overall yoday was better than yesterday.
I watched a movie on my wife’s laptop. Some bank robbery action movie – not sure I even remember the name, but I think it was Mauraders. Pretty good. Smh action movie with an interesting story. my type of movie. Liked it. Kept me distracted.
The next few days will be challenges. I think I have taken it too far. I feel quite sick. I just hope it’s not too late. I am scared to go do tests, afraid that it is too late, that I’ve done irreparable damage to my body.
If you are reading this please leave your thoughts and comments. My battle against alcoholism has been a long one, one with a lot of defeats and setbacks. But I am trying the best within my abilities to fight it.
Feeling sleepy now. Will try to keep posting in the next few days. Good night.