It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.
So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.
I’ve been smoking a lot since I gave up drinking. Won’t it be an irony if I finally manage to get sober and then get lung cancer. That will be a laugh.
I’ve been ping ponging between a few days of sobriety followed by binge drinking. I guess I am just an alcoholic in denial. I can’t keep from thinking about alcohol. It’s an addiction, and every time I think of alcohol I think of how good it would feel to have a drink. I tell myself that I shouldn’t but the need remains. It eats me up from inside.
I sometimes wonder – am I a sociopath? I know that I am emotionally handicapped. I do not feel like others feel. I do not love anyone but myself. I am self obsessed and I take pleasure in other’s pain. All the hallmarks of a sociopath.
So what keeps me from going out at night and killing people. Being a serial killer. I think the only thing keeping me from the brink is cowardice. I am a coward too. I do not want to let go of what I have. My comfortable existance. I am too afraid if getting caught.
But the question is, would I really regret it if I killed someone. If I murder someone in cold blood, would I feel remorse. Would I feel guilty. I guess this question can never be answered. I will know only when I come across that situation. But my heart tells me that there will be no remorse, no guilt. Instead it will turn me on. It will be a rebirth of the real me. I will understand who I am.
Maybe one day, I will take that leap from an average existance to the dark side. Maybe I will find the courage to explore my true instincts. Maybe that day will come soon.