I was just reading some of my earlier blog posts. It’s depressing. I’ve tried to be sober so many times, I’ve “given up” so many times, but I am still where I started. Still an alcoholic. Will things ever change?
Category Archives: Moods
Almost every morning I promise myself I won’t drink anymore, and in the evening I am usually drunk. It’s a cycle which repeats almost every day. I am an alcoholic.
But things have been different recently. I have started to realise that my health is failing. I am getting old. I am over 40. I have started to realise that I have to stop or this is it. I won’t last very long if I continue at this rate.
Now is that time, when I can still turn things around. But in order to do so I have to find a purpose in life. I have lost that purpose. In order to turn my life around I have to leave my present life behind. If I do that I would be destroying other’s lives. Can I destroy other people’s lives, my children’s lives in order to save my own? Tricky question 😉
Why do people do things? Why do we make the decisions we do? I made my decisions and my choices. I have lived with my choices for so long. But things have changed in the past few years. I can see nothing ahead for me. I am confused. What should I do?
Do I chose myself? Do I chose others who depend on me? Will I be able to make others happy if I am unhappy?
It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.
So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.
I am trying to quit drinking. I’ve been trying to do that for a while now, as this blog will testify. But for what? When I ask myself a simple question – what do I enjoy? I don’t have an answer.
I feel like there’s nothing to live for any longer. There is nothing that I can think of, which gives me pleasure. I don’t have any friends, and I am pretty sure that my family will be relieved, if I were to die today. My sons might miss me, but I doubt that too. I haven’t really been much of a father to them.
I feel like I am just going through the motions. I wake up every day and just do the bare minimum that needs to be done. There is no part of the day that I enjoy. Nothing that I look forward to.
I have tried killing myself. In fact I have tried it several times. The last time I was almost successful. Ironically I tried killing myself by an overdose of a medicine that a doctor prescribed to help me cope with my alcoholism.
So the big question is, what am I doing this for? Even if I do manage to give up drinking, will anything change? Will I discover something that I enjoy? Something that gives me pleasure?
It’s day 2 of my sobriety, and I am already feeling restless and edgy for a drink. I keep making excuses to myself, to persuade myself to go out and get a drink. Fortunately there is no alcohol around me, or I don’t think I could have stopped myself. The only way I can get a drink is if I go to a wine store and get one. I am trying to stop myself, from going out.
It’s late afternoon. If i can get through the next few hours, I will be okay. I don’t want to go out and drink. I need to stop drinking. It’s going to be hard.
I am not having physical withdrawals. I just keep getting irritated by small things. I know it is just the craving for alcohol which is making me irritated. But knowing doesn’t stop it. Knowing that this irritation is just craving for alcohol doesn’t calm my mind. The mind is cunning. It make me feel irritated and edgy, so that I will go out and get a drink. I know getting a drink will calm me down. I have to resist the temptation.
I have heard some people say that the first few days are the worst. I have to hang on and be strong. I am watching a lot of movies. I like watching movies and they distract me. While I am watching a movie, I am not thinking of drinking so much. But watching movies has a downside. Whenever I see someone in the movie drinking, I want a drink too. The craving kicks in.
Most of the time, I used to drink in the evenings. So, my urges become very strong in the evenings. The next few hours will be a challenge. I am smoking a lot of cigarettes too. But I can’t help it. Smoking calms me down somewhat. If I did not have cigarettes, I would be walking on the walls, right about now. Wouldn’t it be funny if I manage to quit drinking and got lung cancer?
Am listening to the song by Rihanna – “Why is everything with you so complicated, you’re not easy to love”. So much like me – so much of me. So messed up. So uncertain.
I don’t remember how my life began. I dont remember where I was born or what I was before I became what I am today. I have very sketchy memories – somewhat sexual. And then I was in St Edmunds, Shillong, a boarding school from hell. I have photographs which give me an insight to the person I once was. A boy with tears in his eyes, desperate not to go to boarding school. People looking into the camera and smiling smiles that they do not mean. I look at these photographs and try to find myself, some shread of what I am today, some reason, some logic which can explain why I turned out the way I did. But there’s nothing. Or maybe I just don’t remember. Doesn’t matter. It’s the same thing.