It is evening. 5pm. Time for cravings. I am cooking some instant tomato pasta. Food helps me overcome my cravings. I guess when my stomach is full, I don’t think of alcohol as much as when I am hungry.
Do don’t let yourself be hungry. Snack on things you like. Non alcoholic things 😉
Food is good. Hunger is not.
Today is the second day since I have been dry. It is not too bad now but it is going to get worse as the evening draws closer. My urges start on the evenings. 5-6 pm is the worst. Got to keep myself busy during that time.
And I will need lots of water. Drink water.
I have always wanted to be a teacher. I taught in a computer institute once. I was quite good at it. Not sure how good I would be now.
I am thinking of setting up a computer institute. I already own a software development company. Actually it is into a bit more than software. We also make websites and manage social media for companies. A computer institute. Need to work on the plan though.
I just smoked up the last of my weed. It’s over now. I won’t be getting any more weed. It’s down to cigarettes now.
No alcohol and now no weed. The party is over. This time I will do it. I can’t give up alcohol and keep smoking weed. Weed leads me back to alcohol. Have to give both of them up for good. Cannot keep one and give up the other.
Today was the 19th day of my freedom from alcohol. Till a few days ago I used to say “dry” but now I prefer the word “free”. Being sober is being free.
I stopped drinking 19 days ago. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some medication, to help me get over my anxiety, during my withdrawal stage. It helped. The medication managed to get over the first few days of acute withdrawal.
The biggest problem, during those first few days, was that I couldn’t take a break from my normal routine. I had to function normally at work. I own my own company. It’s a small startup, so I don’t get to take too many holidays. I have taken advantage of being the boss, and slacked off quite a bit during the past few days, to take out some quiet time for myself.
I joined a gym. Its been about a week now. I haven’t missed a day. I usually go in the mornings. The mornings feel so peaceful. I have been pushing myself. trying to channelize my negativity into my workouts, pushing myself harder and harder.
Exercise has helped a lot. It takes away my demons. It drains me. Empties me out. For a few hours after I come from the gym, the endorphins in my system, keep me in a good mood.
I stopped writing in this blog for a while. I kept giving up alcohol and kept relapsing. This time will be different. This time is the last time.
I will try to be regular on this blog. Put down a few thoughts everyday. All part of my therapy.
I met someone. Someone totally unexpected. But it’s so late now. Why did I not meet her 10 years ago?
Life is funny but life’s humor is sadistic. I have been looking for someone like this for ages. And here she is when I least expected, when I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been. The craziest part is that she seems to like me too.
Maybe I am reading too much into the situation when I say she likes me. It’s more curiosity than any actual affection. And there is something about her which troubles me. She is too demanding. Maybe I need that for a change.
I have dominated most people around me all my life. I unconciously stay away from dominant people in my personal life. Maybe it’s time to change something in my life.
I haven’t drunk since day before yesterday night. I have a date on Sunday. I am planning to stay sober for her. Maybe this girl will help me change something in my life. Let us see.
I was just reading some of my earlier blog posts. It’s depressing. I’ve tried to be sober so many times, I’ve “given up” so many times, but I am still where I started. Still an alcoholic. Will things ever change?
Almost every morning I promise myself I won’t drink anymore, and in the evening I am usually drunk. It’s a cycle which repeats almost every day. I am an alcoholic.
But things have been different recently. I have started to realise that my health is failing. I am getting old. I am over 40. I have started to realise that I have to stop or this is it. I won’t last very long if I continue at this rate.
Now is that time, when I can still turn things around. But in order to do so I have to find a purpose in life. I have lost that purpose. In order to turn my life around I have to leave my present life behind. If I do that I would be destroying other’s lives. Can I destroy other people’s lives, my children’s lives in order to save my own? Tricky question 😉
Why do people do things? Why do we make the decisions we do? I made my decisions and my choices. I have lived with my choices for so long. But things have changed in the past few years. I can see nothing ahead for me. I am confused. What should I do?
Do I chose myself? Do I chose others who depend on me? Will I be able to make others happy if I am unhappy?
It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.
So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.