Category Archives: Addiction Recovery

Sober for 19 days

Today was the 19th day of my freedom from alcohol. Till a few days ago I used to say “dry” but now I prefer the word “free”. Being sober is being free.

I stopped drinking 19 days ago. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some medication, to help me get over my anxiety, during my withdrawal stage. It helped. The medication managed to get over the first few days of acute withdrawal.

The biggest problem, during those first few days, was that I couldn’t take a break from my normal routine. I had to function normally at work. I own my own company. It’s a small startup, so I don’t get to take too many holidays. I have taken advantage of being the boss, and slacked off quite a bit during the past few days, to take out some quiet time for myself.

I joined a gym. Its been about a week now. I haven’t missed a day. I usually go in the mornings. The mornings feel so peaceful. I have been pushing myself. trying to channelize my negativity into my workouts, pushing myself harder and harder.

Exercise has helped a lot. It takes away my demons. It drains me. Empties me out. For a few hours after I come from the gym, the endorphins in my system, keep me in a good mood.

I stopped writing in this blog for a while. I kept giving up alcohol and kept relapsing. This time will be different. This time is the last time.

I will try to be regular on this blog. Put down a few thoughts everyday. All part of my therapy.

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A new hope

I met someone. Someone totally unexpected. But it’s so late now. Why did I not meet her 10 years ago?

Life is funny but life’s humor is sadistic. I have been looking for someone like this for ages. And here she is when I least expected, when I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been. The craziest part is that she seems to like me too.

Maybe I am reading too much into the situation when I say she likes me. It’s more curiosity than any actual affection. And there is something about her which troubles me. She is too demanding. Maybe I need that for a change.

I have dominated most people around me all my life. I unconciously stay away from dominant people in my personal life. Maybe it’s time to change something in my life.

I haven’t drunk since day before yesterday night. I have a date on Sunday. I am planning to stay sober for her. Maybe this girl will help me change something in my life. Let us see.


Round and round – going around in circles

I was just reading some of my earlier blog posts. It’s depressing. I’ve tried to be sober so many times, I’ve “given up” so many times, but I am still where I started. Still an alcoholic. Will things ever change?


Back to square one

It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.

So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.


Day 3 – yet again

I haven’t written in here for a long time. I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism – not too successfully. It all goes round and round. A viscous circle. I give up for 2-3 days and start again.

I have started visiting a Doctor. Finally took that step. ​Today was day 3 of my latest attempt to give up drinking. I was very agitated and couldn’t work. Wasn’t feeling too well, so took half the day off and came home and slept. It’s probably the sleep meds that my doc has prescribed for me. Mskes me very droesy. But overall yoday was better than yesterday. 

I watched a movie on my wife’s laptop. Some bank robbery action movie – not sure I even remember the name, but I think it was Mauraders. Pretty good. Smh action movie with an interesting story. my type of movie. Liked it. Kept me distracted.

The next few days will be challenges. I think I have taken it too far. I feel quite sick. I just hope it’s not too late. I am scared to go do tests, afraid that it is too late, that I’ve done irreparable damage to my body. 

If you are reading this please leave your thoughts and comments. My battle against alcoholism has been a long one,  one with a lot of defeats and setbacks. But I am trying the best within my abilities to fight it. 

Feeling sleepy now. Will try to keep posting in the next few days. Good night.


Day 9 – still sober thanks to LifeRing

Today is day 9 of being sober. This is the longest I have been sober for a long time. It feels great. It feels like a fog has lifted and I can breathe freely once again. In fact the very air around me smells different. The world around me seems different, a better place. Every day I notice things that I have not noticed in a long time. The first few days were difficult and my struggle is far from over, but now I know I can do it. There is hope.

A major factor in my sobriety has been an email list I stumbled upon a few days ago – the LifeRing Safe List or LSRSafe. It’s an email list with very nice people who really care without being judgemental or condescending. After struggling for so long with alcoholism I have finally realised that I cannot do this alone. I need to reach out to other people, people like me, people who have gone through what I have gone though, people who understand. The people on this list welcomed me into the group and listened to me. Thier replies proved that they really care and understand my pain. I am lucky to have found them. They are my support group. My LifeRing.

What I like best about LifeRing is that, it’s secular. There is no Big Book thumping, 12 steps, higher power and God. I have nothing against the AA, and in fact for the last couple days I have been attending AA meetings. Attending the AA meetings reinforced something that I already knew, that the AA program is not for me. The people I met in the AA meetings were nice but there is too much insistence on God and higher power. I just don’t agree with the AA philosophy that we are totally powerless and we cannot be sober unless we surrender ourselves completely to God.

Having made the decision to be sober and come through the hell of the first few days alone, I just can’t accept the fact that I am powerless. Someone in the LifeRing email list posted in one of his emails: “I can say I’m powerless over alcohol once I take the first drink, but I have the power not to do that, provided I participate with others and stay continually reminded of the misery that awaits me should I do so.” These words say it better than I can say it myself.

Being sober for 9 days does not make me an authority on sobriety but I have been trying to be sober for several months now and I think this has taught me a bit about failure and relapse. I think alcoholics relapse because they do not have a support structure. They do not have a group of people rooting for them. Having a support group makes me accountable. It is not just me alone. There are people counting on me. I do not want to drink that first drink because I do not want to let them down.

One of the many things I liked about the LifeRing email group is that they encourage you to post as often as you need to. I have been on email groups before (not alcohol recovery groups, but other ones) and frequent posting is usually discouraged. On this group, they encourage people to post frequently. They understand that the first days, weeks and even months of sobriety are difficult and recovering alcoholics need to reach out and share thier problems. Another thing I like about this group is that conflict of any sort is discouraged. Recovering alcoholics are fragile and conflict can be disastrous. The list is lightly moderated but flame wars and negative comments are not tolerated.

I probably won’t go to the AA meetings anymore. I have found something better for me. AA doesn’t work for me.


Day 5 of sobriety – feeling better

It is the evening of day 5, and I feel much better.

The morning was bad. I did not sleep well last night. I lay awake till 2am, thinking about how badly I had screwed up my life. I know these kind of thoughts are counter productive and they lead to relapse, but I could not help it.

When I did fall asleep, I saw a really weird dream. I do not remember what the dream was but I remember that it was really weird.

In the morning I had to wake up early to get my son ready for school. It almost felt like I had a hangover but it was different. There was no nausea. Most important of all – there was no guilt.

The cravings were strong so I spent the morning playing a video game. I discovered that the video game was a good distraction. It kept me from thinking about alcohol.

In the evening I had to go pick up my wife from the train station. I was worried about this. There are several wine shops on the way and I know every one of them 😉

I had to fight the temptation to stop the car and buy a bottle. My sneaky manipulative mind kept telling me that I had been sober for 5 days already and one drink would not matter. I put on some loud rock music and sang along to Bruce Springsteen and the Beatles. It felt good. I had not done that for a long time.

I survived day 5 without a drink. In the evening when I met my wife she told me that I seem different in a good way. I feel better too. More relaxed.

There is one thing about being sober that I did not anticipate. I have a lot of time on my hands and I do not know what to do with it. I know I should be getting back to programing (I am a web designer), but I can not seem to concentrate. Maybe I will be able to get back to programming in a few more days. Till then I will play video games and watch movies online 😉

The comments on this blog have helped in a big way. It means a lot to me, that there are people out there who care. The support I have received has helped me remain sober. So please leave your comments.