Today was the 19th day of my freedom from alcohol. Till a few days ago I used to say “dry” but now I prefer the word “free”. Being sober is being free.
I stopped drinking 19 days ago. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some medication, to help me get over my anxiety, during my withdrawal stage. It helped. The medication managed to get over the first few days of acute withdrawal.
The biggest problem, during those first few days, was that I couldn’t take a break from my normal routine. I had to function normally at work. I own my own company. It’s a small startup, so I don’t get to take too many holidays. I have taken advantage of being the boss, and slacked off quite a bit during the past few days, to take out some quiet time for myself.
I joined a gym. Its been about a week now. I haven’t missed a day. I usually go in the mornings. The mornings feel so peaceful. I have been pushing myself. trying to channelize my negativity into my workouts, pushing myself harder and harder.
Exercise has helped a lot. It takes away my demons. It drains me. Empties me out. For a few hours after I come from the gym, the endorphins in my system, keep me in a good mood.
I stopped writing in this blog for a while. I kept giving up alcohol and kept relapsing. This time will be different. This time is the last time.
I will try to be regular on this blog. Put down a few thoughts everyday. All part of my therapy.
I met someone. Someone totally unexpected. But it’s so late now. Why did I not meet her 10 years ago?
Life is funny but life’s humor is sadistic. I have been looking for someone like this for ages. And here she is when I least expected, when I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been. The craziest part is that she seems to like me too.
Maybe I am reading too much into the situation when I say she likes me. It’s more curiosity than any actual affection. And there is something about her which troubles me. She is too demanding. Maybe I need that for a change.
I have dominated most people around me all my life. I unconciously stay away from dominant people in my personal life. Maybe it’s time to change something in my life.
I haven’t drunk since day before yesterday night. I have a date on Sunday. I am planning to stay sober for her. Maybe this girl will help me change something in my life. Let us see.
I was just reading some of my earlier blog posts. It’s depressing. I’ve tried to be sober so many times, I’ve “given up” so many times, but I am still where I started. Still an alcoholic. Will things ever change?
Almost every morning I promise myself I won’t drink anymore, and in the evening I am usually drunk. It’s a cycle which repeats almost every day. I am an alcoholic.
But things have been different recently. I have started to realise that my health is failing. I am getting old. I am over 40. I have started to realise that I have to stop or this is it. I won’t last very long if I continue at this rate.
Now is that time, when I can still turn things around. But in order to do so I have to find a purpose in life. I have lost that purpose. In order to turn my life around I have to leave my present life behind. If I do that I would be destroying other’s lives. Can I destroy other people’s lives, my children’s lives in order to save my own? Tricky question 😉
Why do people do things? Why do we make the decisions we do? I made my decisions and my choices. I have lived with my choices for so long. But things have changed in the past few years. I can see nothing ahead for me. I am confused. What should I do?
Do I chose myself? Do I chose others who depend on me? Will I be able to make others happy if I am unhappy?
It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.
So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.
I’ve been smoking a lot since I gave up drinking. Won’t it be an irony if I finally manage to get sober and then get lung cancer. That will be a laugh.
Today was day 8. It has been a very difficult week. but I have made it so far. The meds have helped. My family has also been quite supportive. There have been many times in the last few days that I’ve almost slipped back.
The 6th day was the worst. Went to meet a client in a nightclub! He owns the nightclub. We went to meet him because we were pitching for his business. I own a digital marketing agency. I was sitting there taking him through the presentation, talking about the benefits of digital marketing and how we would make his business more profitable and all I could think of was the bottles behind the bar!
Once the meeting was over, he showed me his bar, which has a unique design (it’s made of beer bottles – I mean the whole bar is made of empty beer bottles) and invited me for a drink. I don’t know how I did it but I politely refused, telling him that I was getting late for another meeting. A very close call.
The craving is still there, as strong as ever. Probably not as strong as the 2nd or 3rd day but it is still there lingering like a malignant growth at the back of my mind. It is not possible to ignore it. I just have to keep telling myself that this is natural. I can fight it. I will fight it this time.
I’ve been avoiding my drinking buddies. Making excuses, not taking their phone calls. I have know a few of them for several years now. A few I’ve known since my childhood. I know that if I go out with them, all these 8 days of hard work will just go poof. I won’t be able to resist the temptation. I am not that strong. Maybe I will lose some friends but if they are really my friends – they will understand.