I met someone. Someone totally unexpected. But it’s so late now. Why did I not meet her 10 years ago?
Life is funny but life’s humor is sadistic. I have been looking for someone like this for ages. And here she is when I least expected, when I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been. The craziest part is that she seems to like me too.
Maybe I am reading too much into the situation when I say she likes me. It’s more curiosity than any actual affection. And there is something about her which troubles me. She is too demanding. Maybe I need that for a change.
I have dominated most people around me all my life. I unconciously stay away from dominant people in my personal life. Maybe it’s time to change something in my life.
I haven’t drunk since day before yesterday night. I have a date on Sunday. I am planning to stay sober for her. Maybe this girl will help me change something in my life. Let us see.
I was just reading some of my earlier blog posts. It’s depressing. I’ve tried to be sober so many times, I’ve “given up” so many times, but I am still where I started. Still an alcoholic. Will things ever change?
Almost every morning I promise myself I won’t drink anymore, and in the evening I am usually drunk. It’s a cycle which repeats almost every day. I am an alcoholic.
But things have been different recently. I have started to realise that my health is failing. I am getting old. I am over 40. I have started to realise that I have to stop or this is it. I won’t last very long if I continue at this rate.
Now is that time, when I can still turn things around. But in order to do so I have to find a purpose in life. I have lost that purpose. In order to turn my life around I have to leave my present life behind. If I do that I would be destroying other’s lives. Can I destroy other people’s lives, my children’s lives in order to save my own? Tricky question 😉
Why do people do things? Why do we make the decisions we do? I made my decisions and my choices. I have lived with my choices for so long. But things have changed in the past few years. I can see nothing ahead for me. I am confused. What should I do?
Do I chose myself? Do I chose others who depend on me? Will I be able to make others happy if I am unhappy?
It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog. The reason was that I was busy getting drunk. In fact I am drunk right now. I need to stop. I can feel my body giving up. I have to stop drinking.
So here I am again. Trying to stop drinking. Writing on this blog. Hoping against all odds that something will change, a miracle will happen, and somehow magically, I will stop drinking.