Monthly Archives: December 2015

Day 3: Down this road once again

It’s Day 3 once more without Alcohol. I’ve been down this road so many times. This time I hope is my last day 3. I do not have too many chances left. My health is failing. I am having bad muscle cramps. I researched on the internet and found out that muscle cramps are caused by a deficiency of Vitamin B1, B6, B12 and Calcium. I’ve been have vitamin and calcium suplements. It’s helping. The muscle cramps are getting better.

I am feeling irritated, anxious and restless. I keep thinking of booze and drinking. The holiday season doesn’t make it easier. It’s hard to resist the temptations around me. I am trying to avoid social situations where there will be drinking.

My high school’s 25th reunion is coming up in the next couple of weeks. I do not want to attend the party because I know there’s going to be serious drinking involved. I know I wont be able to resist. What do I do? I am confused. Not going to the reunion will raise so many questions. But do I really care? I am not really close to anyone of my old schoolmates. So what does it matter?

I don’t want to go to AA. Too much religion for me. I’ve been an atheist for a long time now. I just can’t make myself believe in a higher power. My life has been all about logic and facts. It’s difficult to blindly believe and have faith in a “higher power”.

In India, there aren’t many places where an alcoholic can go to seek help. Alcoholism is frowned upon but no one offers any support. There’s a few AA groups, but that isn’t for me. The rehabs are more like prisons, very primitive, where alcoholics are treated like criminals. So I have to do this myself. I have no other choice.

I am lucky I have a home and a family to support me. I guess I am better off than a lot of people out there.

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Ping pong

I’ve been ping ponging between a few days of sobriety followed by binge drinking. I guess I am just an alcoholic in denial. I can’t keep from thinking about alcohol. It’s an addiction, and every time I think of alcohol I think of how good it would feel to have a drink. I tell myself that I shouldn’t but the need remains. It eats me up from inside.