I am trying to quit drinking. I’ve been trying to do that for a while now, as this blog will testify. But for what? When I ask myself a simple question – what do I enjoy? I don’t have an answer.
I feel like there’s nothing to live for any longer. There is nothing that I can think of, which gives me pleasure. I don’t have any friends, and I am pretty sure that my family will be relieved, if I were to die today. My sons might miss me, but I doubt that too. I haven’t really been much of a father to them.
I feel like I am just going through the motions. I wake up every day and just do the bare minimum that needs to be done. There is no part of the day that I enjoy. Nothing that I look forward to.
I have tried killing myself. In fact I have tried it several times. The last time I was almost successful. Ironically I tried killing myself by an overdose of a medicine that a doctor prescribed to help me cope with my alcoholism.
So the big question is, what am I doing this for? Even if I do manage to give up drinking, will anything change? Will I discover something that I enjoy? Something that gives me pleasure?