Today’s day 2 and I am totally stressed out. And there’s a lot to be stressed about. Our so it seems to me at the moment.
I work from home. So there’s someone always around or something’s always happening. On other days it’s not so bad but today I feel I just can’t deal with it anymore. I know it’s my alcohol withdrawals playing with my mind but that knowledge doesn’t help at all.
The power just went out and with it the Internet. It looks like there is a storm on it’s way. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse. Now I will lose the rest of the day and won’t get paid. At times like this it is difficult to keep my thoughts straight and be logical.
It’s going to be difficult to get through today without drinking.
It’s 1:22 am now and my first day of sobriety is well and truly over. It was difficult but I know that it is going to get worse before it gets any better. The hardest part of staying sober is the first few weeks.
I feel irritated at almost everything. I am surly and impatient. I fly into an irrational rage at the slightest provocation. And every time this happens my mind sneakily pushes me to go to a wine shop and buy myself a bottle of whisky to stop these feelings.
If I listen to my cravings and get drunk I know I will just have to start again all over again one day. It would be so easy to have a drink but it will be so difficult to stay this process all over again. I just have to hold on. Maybe this time things will be different.
I am going to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.
Got an unexpected payment from a client today. Not a big amount, but still enough to keep me drunk the whole week. The first thing that came into my head – let me go out and celebrate. And celebrating means getting drunk.
I am going to try to distract myself and work on a couple of pending projects. I make websites for a living – so work just involves sitting in my living room working with remote clients. Very minimal human interaction involved. That’s good in a way. I don’t have to go out and struggle with temptation.
Once my work is done I am going to read a book or watch a movie. Anything to distract myself and take my mind off booze.
One day at a time. One hour at a time.
It is hard to describe to others what being an alcoholic is like. My mind keeps coming back to the topic of alcohol. If I am watching something on TV and I see someone having a drink, all I can think of is how nice it would be to have a drink. It’s the same if I am reading a book or reading something on the Internet. The trick is in admitting to myself that it’s just my alcoholic brain trying to trick me.
I know the next few days will be tough. There’s going to be a lot of temptation. I am going to go though a roller coaster ride of mood swings. I have been though this many times before. Giving up alcohol without rehab is very difficult. No amount of determination and willpower can guarantee results. But I’ve realised that writing in this blog helps. Knowing that there are other people out there reading my words, feeling my pain, helps.
Maybe this time I will be able to do it. So far so good.
I am trying to quit drinking. I’ve been trying to do that for a while now, as this blog will testify. But for what? When I ask myself a simple question – what do I enjoy? I don’t have an answer.
I feel like there’s nothing to live for any longer. There is nothing that I can think of, which gives me pleasure. I don’t have any friends, and I am pretty sure that my family will be relieved, if I were to die today. My sons might miss me, but I doubt that too. I haven’t really been much of a father to them.
I feel like I am just going through the motions. I wake up every day and just do the bare minimum that needs to be done. There is no part of the day that I enjoy. Nothing that I look forward to.
I have tried killing myself. In fact I have tried it several times. The last time I was almost successful. Ironically I tried killing myself by an overdose of a medicine that a doctor prescribed to help me cope with my alcoholism.
So the big question is, what am I doing this for? Even if I do manage to give up drinking, will anything change? Will I discover something that I enjoy? Something that gives me pleasure?
A lot has happened since I last wrote in this blog, but nothing has changed. I am still an alcoholic. I relapsed badly. I was sober for less than a month and then I started drinking again. Now once again, I am trying to quit. Same old story.
I know that I can’t quit but I also know that I must try. The urge is too strong
at times, and failure is so easy.
I will not think of it too much. I’ll just take things one day at a time.
Today is day 0.