Sobriety is tough but what’s the alternative


I have given up drinking. I know I have done so many times before but I have always slipped back. But this time I will make it work. I don’t have a choice. This time I will not “try” – I will make it happen. The alternative is death. A slow, shameful death where I destroy myself and everyone around me.

I have been sober for an entire day now and I can already feel the withdrawal symptoms. For the past week I have been binge drinking. Vodka mostly. My wife is away. Her mom is seriously ill. Since she is not around to nag me, I have been drinking almost continuously. I start in the morning. It helps with the hangover and by night I black out. This can’t go on.

When I black out, I lash out at my mother. She does not live with us, but she lives in the flat downstairs. We have had a very strained relationship and aren’t on talking terms. It’s a long story, but the basic reason is that she does not like my wife. I don’t blame her. My wife is quite manipulative and always tries to turn me against my mother.

Anyways, I will write about my fight with my mother some other time. Today I need to write about my decision to be sober.

One of the many reasons I need to get sober is that when I black out, which is almost every day nowadays, I end up doing hurtful and malicious things, directed at my mother, like breaking things and verbally abusing her. My mother never responds. She just tries to avoid confrontation. I am scared that some day I will do something foolish which will end with me murdering her and going to prison.

Alcohol makes me angry and violent. I take it out on the family members around me. I am ashamed of what I have become, but it feels like I am trapped in a vicious cycle. I have to come out of it.

Pray for me. I have fallen so low that I cannot pray for myself.

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8 responses to “Sobriety is tough but what’s the alternative

  • iceman18

    What are you going to do differently this try? What’s your plan?

    Like

    • Riju

      I am going to join a few online support forums which offer support to recovering alcoholics like me. Earlier I had kept my problems to myself and never reached out to others. I joined a forum yesterday and it was very encouraging. I’ll also try to attend some face to face meetings in my area. Knowing that I am not alone and that others share my problems, helps a great deal. I’ll also try to take up some activities which will keep me distracted. It’s going to be tough, but I am fairly confident that things will turn out okay. What about you? Are you a recovering alcoholic yourself?

      Like

      • iceman18

        I am an alcoholic indeed. I have learned that recovery cannot be done alone. We need the help and interaction with other alcoholics. Great that your keeping active and going to meetings. One day at a time!

        Liked by 1 person

  • Dennis

    Good stuff, Riju. I wish you strength and patience, it will take both but you are bigger, stronger than this affliction. Instead of, I can’t drink try thinking of it as ” I can NOT drink”…little semantic tweak that seems to help some.

    Like

  • rivieradinah

    Congratulations on your decision and on your resolve. I find that blogging here and being honest about what’s going on is really very helpful. Going to a meeting is a great idea. Talking to other alcoholics who aren’t drinking today is the best weapon you have against your next blackout. I’m sending you a big hug and lots of encouragement to follow through on your plan. You can do this, we’re here to help. (And so are those lovely people at meetings. They give real hugs.) 🙂

    Like

  • rivieradinah

    You’re doing great! Congrats on 14 days. I’m on Day 19, and starting to feel a little better.

    Like

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