I have given up drinking. I know I have done so many times before but I have always slipped back. But this time I will make it work. I don’t have a choice. This time I will not “try” – I will make it happen. The alternative is death. A slow, shameful death where I destroy myself and everyone around me.
I have been sober for an entire day now and I can already feel the withdrawal symptoms. For the past week I have been binge drinking. Vodka mostly. My wife is away. Her mom is seriously ill. Since she is not around to nag me, I have been drinking almost continuously. I start in the morning. It helps with the hangover and by night I black out. This can’t go on.
When I black out, I lash out at my mother. She does not live with us, but she lives in the flat downstairs. We have had a very strained relationship and aren’t on talking terms. It’s a long story, but the basic reason is that she does not like my wife. I don’t blame her. My wife is quite manipulative and always tries to turn me against my mother.
Anyways, I will write about my fight with my mother some other time. Today I need to write about my decision to be sober.
One of the many reasons I need to get sober is that when I black out, which is almost every day nowadays, I end up doing hurtful and malicious things, directed at my mother, like breaking things and verbally abusing her. My mother never responds. She just tries to avoid confrontation. I am scared that some day I will do something foolish which will end with me murdering her and going to prison.
Alcohol makes me angry and violent. I take it out on the family members around me. I am ashamed of what I have become, but it feels like I am trapped in a vicious cycle. I have to come out of it.
Pray for me. I have fallen so low that I cannot pray for myself.