It’s getting a little easier to remain sober. The first couple of days were hard. Today was better. I went out today morning to meet a few people, for new business. Although the thought of alcohol remains with me, it was easier to control the urges today.
The craving for alcohol is lesser in intensity but more deceptive and manipulative. My mind kept trying to trick me into buying a bottle. It kept offering excuses – What difference would it make to buy a bottle and get drunk for one more night. I have been a drunk for so many years. One more night won’t make any difference – my mind kept telling me.
I kept fighting my craving and it got easier. I avoided wineshops. I even avoided looking at the signboards of wineshops while I was driving. I know that if I go into a wineshop I will not be able to control myself. Its better to avoid temptation rather than to test the limits of my willpower.
There was one moment of weakness where I drove past a place where I knew a drug peddler sold Marijuana. I stoped and went looking for her. It’s an old lady. She wasn’t there. I would have bought weed if I was able to find her. It’s a good thing she wasn’t around.
I like smoking weed and in ways it’s safer than alcohol. It calms me. But once I start smoking weed I know I will start drinking too and very soon I will be mixing the two. When I mix marijuana and alcohol I go beserk. My whole personality changes. Very aggressive, very unstable. It’s better that I avoid them both.
Maybe someday I will start smoking weed again. One day when I am more in control. But not now. Its too precarious a situation. If I slip now and start drinking again, all that I’ve suffered for the past few days will be in vain. I must resist the temptation.