Monthly Archives: October 2013

Sobriety gets easier

It’s getting a little easier to remain sober. The first couple of days were hard. Today was better. I went out today morning to meet a few people, for new business. Although the thought of alcohol remains with me, it was easier to control the urges today.

The craving for alcohol is lesser in intensity but more deceptive and manipulative. My mind kept trying to trick me into buying a bottle. It kept offering excuses – What difference would it make to buy a bottle and get drunk for one more night. I have been a drunk for so many years. One more night won’t make any difference – my mind kept telling me.

I kept fighting my craving and it got easier. I avoided wineshops. I even avoided looking at the signboards of wineshops while I was driving. I know that if I go into a wineshop I will not be able to control myself.  Its better to avoid temptation rather than to test the limits of my willpower.

There was one moment of weakness where I drove past a place where I knew a drug peddler sold Marijuana. I stoped and went looking for her. It’s an old lady. She wasn’t there. I would have bought weed if I was able to find her. It’s a good thing she wasn’t around.

I like smoking weed and in ways it’s safer than alcohol. It calms me. But once I start smoking weed I know I will start drinking too and very soon I will be mixing the two. When I mix marijuana and alcohol I go beserk. My whole personality changes. Very aggressive, very unstable. It’s better that I avoid them both.

Maybe someday I will start smoking weed again. One day when I am more in control. But not now. Its too precarious a situation. If I slip now and start drinking again, all that I’ve suffered for the past few days will be in vain. I must resist the temptation.


Another day of sobriety

Today was my second day of sobriety. In ways the craving for alcohol was worse than yesterday. I was feeling irritated at every small thing. The craving starts in the afternoon and gets worse in the evening. I have always been a evening drinker. Thats probably why my body starts craving for alcohol in the evening.

I feel quite different now that I am sober. I feel less depressed. More at peace with the world, except for the times that I am craving. It feels good to be sober and I really hope I can make this last. I want to live a normal life.


First day of sobriety is over

Today was my first day of sobriety. It was the first day of my new life without Alcohol or Marijuana. It was difficult. I felt edgy and irritated. I got angry. I felt depressed. I couldn’t handle situations well. But I survived the day without alcohol and marijuana, and I am feeling rather good about myself.

They say that the first few days of abstinence are the most difficult. I am not sure that I will be able to survive too many days like today, but I have to try. I have to come out of this addiction. It is destroying me.

I wonder how many days will it take for my cravings for alcohol and marijuana to subside. They say that addiction is a life long disease. If that’s the case this curse will be with me for till the day I die. That’s a scary thought.

Another scary thought. Will I be able to enjoy life without my alcohol and weed? Will I be able to enjoy going for a long drive, listening to music or attending a party without getting high? Till yesterday I needed to get high to enjoy life and its simple pleasures. What will life be like without alcohol or weed?


Dealing with craving

I was once in a rehab where they taught us how to deal with craving for alcohol. The 5 points that they told us about are:

Drink – water or juice. It acts as a substitute for alcohol and helps decrease the craving. I am not sure this works very well for drugs but it does work to some extent for alcoholism.

Distract – look for distractions to take your mind off alcohol and drugs. Watching tv or surfing on the internet works well. I have found that writing a blog is also a good distraction.

Discuss – discuss about your craving with someone you trust. If you are lucky enough to have someone you love and trust, discuss about what you are going through. This helps a lot.

I think it helps to know that you are craving and to admit this to yourself. You need to tell yourself that craving is just a natural phenomenon, like the symptoms of a disease. It is difficult to ignore craving but once you have identified it for what it is, you are better equiped to deal with it.


Agitated and restless

As my first day of sobriety drags on, I am feeling very agitated and restless. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. There is depression too. Are all these withdrawal symptoms, or did I always feel this way, but never realised it because I was too drunk or stoned? I think it is withdrawals.

Even though I have decided to go sober, I know that I won’t be able to resist a drink or a joint if I got an opportunity. If I go near a wine shop now, I won’t be able to resist going in and  buying a bottle.  I’ll have to avoid going near wine shops and resist the temptation. There is too much at stake here. This is my last chance.


The first morning or sobriety

My head feels all fuzzy, like a hangover. But it can’t be a hangover since I’ve been sober since yesterday. The irritability is there,  just below the surface, threatening to erupt and shatter my fragile state of mind.

I keep thinking of booze and weed. I try not to think but somehow my mind keeps slipping. Thinking about booze and weed is dangerous for me. I can so easily slip back into my addiction. I need to understand my cravings and avoid succumbing to the temptations.

I have not yet hit rock bottom. I still have my family and my kids. They still love me and need me. My career is ruined but with enough time and hard work, I can get some of it back. It will be hard. Harder than the first time. This time around I am carrying the addict tag. People won’t trust me.

I keep worrying about the future.  How will I earn money, how will I provide for my family, what does the  future hold in store for me. Too many questions. No answers. I am scared. Some booze or weed will help, but I can no longer afford to  seek solace in intoxicants. I have to  deal with my demons alone.


Been sober for few hours now

I have not smoked weed or drunk alcohol for a few hours now. I am starting to get edgy. I get irritated by noises and by small things. In my mind I know that this is just my craving. But I can’t seem to help it. Can’t seem to supress the craving.

I have decided to give up alcohol and marijuana. Didn’t go out and buy weed today, although I had the money to do so. I had the chance to buy alcohol, but I controlled myself. I am trying to give up. Go straight and sober.

I wish there was a quicker and easier way to defeat my addiction. I wish there were no side effects to alcohol or weed, and that I could continue to drink and smoke. But I know I can’t. It takes too much from me. It is destroying me slowly but surely.

I am trying to control my irritation and my craving. But it is hard. Yeilding to temptation is so much easier. Writing in this blog helps to some extent. I know this is a safe medium to let out my thoughts. Noone knows who I am. My identity is safe. At the same time, I know that somewhere someone is reading my thoughts and understands my pain. It feels good to know that. Writing this journal of my private thoughts makes it easier to face the demons of addiction.

I wish I could pray to some divine power for help. But it has been so long since I have prayed. I am worried that my prayers will be rejected. I tell people that I don’t believe in God, but I do. I do believe in God. But I am skeptical. I am so damaged that I do not love anyone. How can God love me?